It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
