I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
