I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
