i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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