Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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