Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
