I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
