I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
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