Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
