kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
