im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
