the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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