my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
