Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
