Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
