but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
