i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Randomize
