i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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