Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
