I faked an abortion last night.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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