Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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