sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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