I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
