Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
