Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
