Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
