I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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