Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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