Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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