Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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