Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
we should paint friendship bongs
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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