I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
