I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
