All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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