my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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