Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i love accidental penises.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
