turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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