I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
