I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
