Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
