I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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