Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
