so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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