i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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