Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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