I think my vagina is haunted
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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