he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
