the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
We are all done wearing pants today
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
