can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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