Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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