One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
