you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
