After last night, I could never be a politician.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
We had to coat check the pizza.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
