There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
